Wednesday, March 15, 2017

I don't want to be a mom anymore.

That sentence is shocking, isn't it? 

After all I've been through to conceive and bring these babies home and healthy, I'm ready to call it a day.

Isn't that ok, though? When you are nine years into a job, interest may start to wane.

If you're a parent, you get it, right? The JOB of the mom, as it is, completely sucks most of the time. Now there are its benefits, like being the one thanked at the Academy Awards, or being the first one they run to when they get a boo-boo. But let's be honest: it's back-breaking, it's gut-wrenching, it's thankless, it's misunderstood, it's increasing in responsibility whilst simultaneously decreasing in authority.

That's the worst!!

As I wrote that last line, my daughter ran in from a snowstorm, told me my son was hurt, and when I ran outside, found him laughing with the neighbor boys over a sled wipeout. Hence negating the reason for my being out in the cold with a mini-heart attack.

I am going back to school. I think I've covered that. I'm SUPER excited, likely, OVERLY excited about my new career of nursing.
Here's my excitement over the imminent dissection of a cat.
Be lucky I didn't post the "after" pic.

Now nursing is certainly going to have it's suck-worthy days, right? It's probably completely going to drain me physically, psychologically, spiritually, and not to mention completely obliterate my current way of supporting my kids and husband in their daily endeavours.  So I am considering a pre-nursing-school-nuptial agreement so I don't head to my graduation ceremony only to be served with divorce papers!

Only partly kidding. Also only partly gracing the surface on the deep deep pool of anxieties in which I am swimming.

But I can imagine: it will increase in interest. In respect. In knowledge. In self-respect. In money? In understanding. And in respect.

Did I mention respect? 

We definitely do not respect parents, and the job of parenting in this country. There are certainly a lot of things we don't currently respect and honor in this country, so I'm going to let this one be my own personal demon for the time being rather than my overarching cause I cry about upon a mountain.

But for the most part, I have to say, the kids REALLY don't need me right now. They come home from school, I banter back and forth with them about practicing piano, finishing homework, and shuffle them off to their various activities. All the while cooking a relatively healthy dinner for them, and currently, a paleo-friendly dinner for myself and my husband. They help me with the prep of laundry, the mail, the trash, even the vacuuming and cleaning of the bathrooms! They are my little soldiers half the time, and the other half of the time, they are engaging in complete mutiny. Or at least, operate as conscientious objectors.
Let's not get started with the PTO. I've never seen a bunch of ladies work so hard to create life and stimulation for the students and teachers, at the same time as trying to remain unnamed, unthanked, and under the radar.

NOT MY THANG. I need CREDIT, mamas.

I am desperate for a little recognition...a little glimmer of understanding that I have a brain, a heart, and an ability to MAKE MONEY. Which is all that some people respect these days.

I won't make A LOT of money. I never do. I didn't aim to, EVER, (not even when I left performing) and I just don't see life through that filter. It's something my husband and I have struggled a lot with in our marriage. I have started to see life through his filter...how economics controls politics, how money controls relationships...but I still can't quite get him to see life through my filter. He WISHES he could. It would certainly be a lot more joyful for him. When he's skiing...yes, when he's skiing...he lives well within my filter.

#skifamily

We spent his 40th at his 'dream ski location' of Whistler. It's been over a year, and I still haven't blogged or scrapbooked it! But it's just for me, like most things, so what's my motivation?
Here's the last thing I know. After all is said and done, and nursing school is over (only 14 months!), I have landed my dream nursing job, and the twyns are enjoying fourth grade, and even if my weekly work hours match up to my husbands exactly, I will still be doing the majority of the housework, laundry, chauffeuring, homework support, and meal prep. Don't get me wrong, he has his chores: the entire outside of the house, all the repairs, the entertainment, technology needs, financial planning/investing/tax preparation, etc etc...we have chosen our division of labors. And with two incomes, we may even hire some support in one or two (or five) of those areas. But the sucky part of parenting will still likely reside with me. Including the hiring/firing/coordinating of care if we need support for my new hours.

But I still. CAN'T WAIT. 

It's MY time. 

The kids have heard me of late saying, "I can't wait to get a life!" It's not that they aren't my life, they absolutely ARE, but I am no longer at the center of theirs. And this is one of the cruel acts of motherhood that many women wiser than I have described:

it's the one job you train yourself out of. 

And the teenage years are coming! But those sweet, 'feed me' ' bathe me' 'play with me' times...are fewer and far between. I think we will ALL enjoy togetherness more when we prioritize it in ALL of our schedules, not just mommy sitting around shouting "GET OVER HERE AND ENJOY SOME FAMILY TIME DAMMIT!"

Thank you for listening. That was very sweet of you to listen to the rantings of a mommy who hasn't had a paycheck in five years. You certainly didn't need to pay her any mind at all ;)

P.S. I didn't make any political rants a part of this blog! Aren't you lucky!




2 comments:

  1. I am now a Grandmother, children raised, worked 60 hours a week as a Research Scientist the whole time my children were growing up. Regrets, I have plenty, but here is my advice. No matter what anyone tells you, you can't have it all. Something has to give so decide what you are willing to give up. Life is short, hire a housekeeper, children can do their share of chores and slowdown and enjoy every moment. Learn to laugh.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you for commenting, yes...I think I am getting to understand the 'slow down' part more than the rest of the family! But ultimately I think my enrichment will be the enrichment of all our lives. Hiring the housekeeper, though...that's something I'm LOATHE to do! Maybe when I'm a grandmother, which is my next aspiration ;)

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