I'm not coming.
I'm sorry that September, while always being a bit hectic, this year will be even more cray-cray in this house. You see, I have twyns, and they are starting kindergarten. And while they don't see the big deal in this, I KNOW that there will be meltdowns on a daily basis, extra naps required, many a lunchtime/snacktime and wardrobe malfunction crises averted.
And the twyns might be affected as well.
But, to be honest, I was having trepidation about attending the upcoming 20th reunion even when it was tentatively planned for August, which is a relatively peaceful month in our little family unit.
You see, I have nothing going on right now, of note. Yes, yes, I know I write about a lot of stuff going on, but that is just so I can remember the mundane daily state in which I currently reside. I will most certainly remember the milestones - potty training, preschool graduation, that little musical I did, stitches, wedding dates, vacations...but it's nice to look back and see what other mischief we got into along the way.
Oh I know I know motherhood is a tough job, and most people see the sacrifice SAHM's make as a noble endeavor, and it is, after all, rather temporary in the grand scheme of my life and career(s.)
Buuuuuut, to be honest again, I don't have much to show for even before I s-a-homed and started to raise these munchkins. Some things of note. Some goals achieved. But over-arching-career-wise? I still kinda feel like that remains to be seen.
My resume is all over the place, and the next thing I land is going to either solidify a thread running through it, or completely change directions again on everybody and I'll spend a lifetime explaining it before I even get another job interview.
Besides that point, I don't even really think I know what I want to *be* when I grow up! I'm not an eternal child either, I'm just focused on the long game of life. 40 does not seem like an establishment-type age. And I'm not even 40 quite yet!!
And it's not like you have to enter the venue of your high school reunion defining your life and world in a flashy five minutes or less, but you kinda have to define your life and world in a flashy five minutes or less.
And it's not like you have to compete with 300 doctors, lawyers, app creators, documentary filmmakers, charity board directors and life savers, but OH, you do. You don't know my high school. I think one of my high school friends once told me he was helping to design a living computer chip? With like, genetic material? Or am I making that up? That sh** is not beyond the reach of the majority of my fellow graduates, is what I'm saying. It's completely in the realm of possibility.
And like, they aren't just surgeons, but they also served in Iraq?! And learned Arabic while they were there. Just because it seemed to come easily to them. And so then they joined the Intelligence side of things.
Ok, ok, I'm mixing peoples' accomplishments now. But did you know, that's how you feel upon walking out of a high school reunion!?! You wonder who said what, and just remember feeling dumb-founded.
But I'm not insecure. I love my life. I have a lot of happiness, and it shows. And I don't usually compare peoples' outsides with my insides, despite the lure of facebook's braggery and bad habits of self aggrandization.
What I'm most scared of, to be perfectly honest even more than before, is that I don't actually remember how I relate to everyone at school. How close were we? Was I a good friend? Did you see how much I floated around? Did that make you not trust me? Did you know I was always a one-woman or one-man type of friend/girlfriend? I have a lot of photos of my best friend and me, or my boyfriend and me, but rarely the group of friends I called my own. I loved so many groups. And I don't remember where I fit in best. I don't remember who's going to come up to me and say, "Remember the time when..." and if I'm going to remember that time or not. Or if it was as important to me as it was to them. And what if no one comes up to me and starts a story that way. My own little world was truly my own. little. world. What if I did all that I did in complete isolation and never really noticed that I did?
Plus, my husband can't come in September. I can't walk in without him on my arm. I've known him since I was 19 and I don't really think I started to understand who I was without him holding the mirror for me. He is like, my interpreter at parties. He both translates what people are really saying to me, and what I'm really saying to other people. Honestly, everyspazz should really have one of those.
But I do want to go. At the end of the day, I know I will have fun, and share stories, and be dumb-founded in a good way, and feel proud in a weird way of who I am today.
Because I'm pretty sure, it's the same who I was then.
And I don't remember high school being anything other than an extremely special place where we all got together and built our brains, hearts and bodies with the positive support and spirits all around us.
I miss you.
I'll catch you at the 25th ;)