Now that I'm back to being famous I thought I'd save the journalist the trip to my chalet in the South of France and the dirty sand between his/her toes and the horrible inconvenience of his/her ice melting in the inevitable gin & tonic my butler has prepared for him/her out by my 19th century converted-to-sea-salt pool and grounds and preempt the interview myself.
Because I'm a giver.
What advice do you have for young artists starting out?
Write your own projects. Create your own world of art. No one's going to write the perfect role for you other than yourself or your friends. And even if you are a perfect Sandy from Grease, how many times can you travel around the world playing Sandy from Grease? Aren't you tired of the sweaty quick change into the pleather pants? And what are you going to do when you're 50? Write a sequel about Sandy and Danny's strung-out meth-head tattoo-ed daughter. Then you can still play Sandy.
You never did give up, did you?
Oh sure I did! Every day. And not every day. The problem is, it never gives up on me. I kept running away from music and performing and it kept finding me. And like a first love I could never resist giving into it and feeling like a 16-year-old girl every time he came back around again. That girl who thought she would marry music and that music would provide for her. But like any loose-and-fast-boyfriend, he'd ditch out on his responsibilities and I'd have to pay the rent and clean up after the messes he left all over my apartment. What can I say, I'm a sucker for an F# and dirty changing rooms.
What is the best part of becoming famous?
I have to say it's the strawberries. There's nothing like the taste of these fair-trade strawberries from Cuba that I have flown in everyday on their own private tiny airplane. I got the tiny airplane when US F***ways stopped allowing the orphans to bring them over themselves.
When did you realize your career was finally secure?
Probably yesterday, when Miley called to ask if I'd co-write an album of songs for her sixth daughter. I mean, that family could call anybody - they've had a string of hits - "Don't no one know chicken wings" ; "This is a fortune cup cuz my cookie don't hold it" ; "JT ain't callin' bitch" ; and "Wonderful Choo-choo trees" - but she is trusting ME with the songs for her sixth hitmaker. I mean, daughter.
What will be your legacy?
Oh definitely my children. I mean, my son is the first man to tame the great red hurricane of Jupiter and my daughter, being the first lady President... I have to give them credit. And "Little Pickles." That was freakin' gold, that song. Well actually it went quadruple platinum. It alone paid for my island in the Galapagos.
Why have you been so staunchly opposed to plastic surgery when asked about it in all of your press interviews?
Have you seen my tits? Have you seen my husband? Does he not look happy? Actually I just don't understand women who don't need a bra. That's where I keep all my vitamins. They keep me young.
What's the next project you'd like to do?
I mean every time JT and I collaborate it's hawt. But how many 'baby-making-music' albums can one produce?! I have to try something new. I'd really love to work with cryo-Madonna. I heard they were able to stretch her vocal chords while she was on ice and she can hit a high C that only dogs can hear. The possibilities are endless.
What do you think of the new telepathic music station, that allows musicians to connect directly with their audience's brains?
That sh** freaks me out.
If you could say something to yourself in the past, when you were struggling to make it, what would it be?
Get down on your knees and thank God everyday for the beautiful life and mind your parents have given you, regardless of what's in store. Stop fighting with yourself. Make your demons your angels.
And give your husband more bluejays. He really, really likes them.