Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Massage Envy: a year in review

Let me catch you up: 

Had twyns. Left my job.
Got a part-time performing gig last year. 
Started spending money on myself again with my new little paycheck. 
Performing gig contract got renewed after inital four month contract.
Got giddy.
Joined Massage Envy.

It's like a gym membership for massages. $59/month gets you one massage/month and any additional per month is less (I think $39.)

If you don't use your one/month, it rolls over to the next month.

As of February 2013, it had been a year. 

I had *5* left. 

It's hard to schedule renewal time on a mommy schedule! [Read: mommy's schedule, is not her own.]

Now my membership is rolling over month - to - month. 

So I keep accruing new massages, whilest trying to make up the leftovers!

*sigh* if this is my worst problem...I know...but the MONEY is running out! My musical money has long since been replaced by my meager ETSY earnings...and now fruit-of-the-loom has started producing superhero panties! I gasp! I cringe! But alas, my tennis elbow is happier.

But mama's gotta fit some massages in and close out this account right quick!!

As I'm bound by MY schedule [ahem: kiddos and hubby], I do not get a chance to pick and/or stay with a certain therapist I enjoy. I've had some doozies...let me recount for you...

1. The musical theatre performer
My first massage I was SOO excited to be doing a little something for myself I was overly rambuctious and wanting to share all of my recent successes. Luckily I was all too perfect a fit for #1 who happened to be therapist by day, musical theatre performer by night and now fiance to a lovely Australian scientist for whom he was going to up and move to her homeland within the month! We chatted the whole time, I don't remember if it felt good at all, and alas, I was never to see my musical theatre buddy again. Hoo roo!

2. Dude
The next guy I got (and I used to request guys because they are firmer, and I am dense) (yes, in many ways, go ahead, I asked for it), was very young, good-looking, and an AWFUL masseuse. I told him I liked a lot of pressure and he just did not have very strong hands. Strong jawline not equivalent to strong. Dude. Seriously. Hmph. Focus on your modeling career instead.

3. She comes recommended
My neighbor and I got to chatting and she happened to find a therapist at the same locale who was very strong. I met her in the 'quiet space' transition area and as always I extended my hand to greet her. Dreadfully weak handshake. Oi. Great. Another hour lost...but what's this? She... was.... WONDERFUL. And the choir sings...Hallelujah! I was butter in her small hands. I think I asked her to marry me by the end, but I can't be held accountable for things I say while I'm drunk on muscle relaxant.

4. The recommended by the recommended is not so recommended 
This wonderful lady kept me occupied for, I think, at least 3 of my sessions. But then when I called to schedule her again - she had broken her finger! Well it's really no wonder, she was giving us her all 24/7 and something had to give. Jeez. She'll never be the same again. Too young, too naive - a flash in the pan. A tony award at 24 and then - splat. On her face. 

Sorry - where was I ? Ah yes, well the receptionist had been moving all of #3's clients to #4 when she could, assured me she was very good as well...


She first asked me if I wanted my legs done as well? Um, yeah? Isn't this a 'whole-body-massage?' I understand some people may focus their massages once they're in the swing of a year-long membership, but #4 seemed annoyed that I said yes. Something wrong with legs? Too much surface area for ya? My feet don't smell that bad! 
I'm sorry, did I come to your place of work today and ask you to work? 
I think I was done for a little while. Realized I may have been taken a little. Although these massages were cheaper, it seems that a lot of therapists used it as a jumping-off point to their real careers at real spas. It would almost be worth going back to my one massage/year policy and really get the goods [Hershey Spa, Four Seasons come to mind...]

Took me a few months to get back there...I think I used one on vacation...I upped one to a facial for $10 extra...that was nice...but again, not a real facial...[considering I hadn't had one since my wedding, what do I know anyways...]

5.The little guy with the big ideas
So then I wind up with what's-his-name. Little beady-eyed guy who should probably be writing SciFi [or watching the SyFy channel from his mother's basement]. Picture the lead singer to Weezer. But smaller, scrawnier, and nerdier. Ok. What do you have to offer me? Hell-LO! Started me off with two hands on the back of my neck for what seemed like an eternity but was likely only a full 30 seconds and didn't.say.a.WORD. Just waited for me to relax my...thoughts? I guess? He started and ended each "phase" of the massage this way and it just blew my mind that he was such a little director-type. The handiwork was fab, too. But the centering- well that was highbrow stuff. Thanks, Little Guy.

Alas, he is overbooked. As am I. Had to cancel my next massage with him. So I got...

6. The foreigner
For starters, I couldn't tell the origin of his accent. That always works at me. I MUST know when I meet someone. I usually ask and the last time I did, he said, "England." WELL then, I may have lost my touch in distinguishing between Viennese - Berliners and Amsterdammers. [Dam.] Anyways, no resolution there.
After introductions the rubdown began akin to what you might see ringside in a 1950s boxing gym. Maybe it would turn out to be the most relaxing after effects afterwards, but during the massage - really? - jiggling? - really? 

So here I am in a cold dark room afraid to say anything as someone is pounding my naked body. 

Reminds me of my early 20's.

So I say something.

[About the cold.]

"Is the bed heated? I'm cold!"
"Yes it's at 35. Maybe it's the..." He points to what is probably the vent but I can't see. It's dark. And 35? You mean, Celsius or some sh**?
"Do you have cold?"

Now are you trying to ask me if I have a cold, or if I feel cold?! Two different questions. I most certainly am.not.SICK!! And I refuse to believe so. Even if I have to stop you every five minutes to blow my nose.

It must be allergies.

Lets just agree not to talk anymore.

Again, all my relationships in my early 20's.


And that's where we stand, folks.  3. left. to. go.

Listen  - help a mama out - If you have a Massage Envy near you - be the first to comment below why you need a massage and I will gift you one!! 


  1. I have 4 kids. Period. Massage please?

  2. I leave on sunday to ride 400 miles advocating for safe roads? though not sure you can gift it all the way down here :)

    1. Uh oh! Mommy of four beat you to the punch!! Good luck!!

  3. I loved this for so many reasons!

  4. I'm totally LMAO at this. A friend gave me a gift certificate to Massage Envy for my 40th birthday. I still have it. I'm 42. Maybe I'll use it next week. LOL

    1. LOL - it may be good fodder for a post!! :)


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