Wednesday, February 27, 2013

what the hell happened to my children?

In the last 24 hours, my children have turned into naughty naughties!

Now, you know we have our share of calamities, but this is two-year-old sh**.

It started when, after a nice morning at preschool, and a nice hour at Little Gym, we came home, I gave them their snack, and turned on the TV. I told them I needed to go take a shower upstairs because

Now wait, twynmawrmom. You just said you left them alone. In a room. On a different floor. For an entire shower?

Yes. I gave my lungs a chance to breathe (they didn't take it) during Little Gym by trying to run outside and thusly, needed a shower in the middle of the day. Particularly because I was headed to a sewing class that night.

Yay! Sewing class! I'm so progress-ful!

And yes, I left them alone. I do it all the time. Especially in that post-activity lull that is supposed to be naptime. Watch some TV while mommy gets a breather. Nothing new. 

hardly any  
Not many calamities have resulted from this practice.

So where was I. It started when I came back down from the shower and little boy had scribbled a design. On the COUCH cushion. In RED. MARKER....AHHHHHHH!!!!!

And on the kitchen table.

And on the non-removable ARM OF THE COUCH.

And on his dinosaur 'landing'.

AND on the floor.

And on his legs. And arms.

Let's just say, I was seeing RED.

I don't even remember exactly how I stumbled across it. They were sitting around the coffee table on the floor and I noticed the little guy had a red marker in his hand. And he was right next to a throw pillow that was conspicuously on the seat of the couch, not rested up at the head. Oh I guess I do remember...

Underneath that throw pillow was this...

And that's when I started to look around.

What the hell is that supposed to be anyhow? A whale? A boat with a penis inside it?

And, saying nothing, I grabbed his hand and started to walk him down the hallway to the "time out" chairs. And he, knowingly, started to wail.

As I began to clean up, it hit me: he is 4. He can get on his hands and knees and scrub this sh**. He can't spray the cleaner, he can't use cotton balls of nail polish remover on the table, but he can do the laundry. He can put away the jackets that are still on the floor from when we got home from class. He can use the vacuum attachment to clean underneath the couch cushions [since we are tearing apart the couch anyways]. He can wipe the floor after I spray it. He can take clean laundry upstairs, and put dirty laundry in hampers. He can separate all the markers from the crayons in the 'art box' and throw them in the F**KEN GARBAGE.

So that's where we started.

And it was a lot of work. for mommy.
How much damage can one person DO in 10 minutes? I believe the little bits of apple might have been left to lead me to believe some type of squirrel was actually responsible...

I think he actually loved the attention, the work, and the direction. [fail]

Because this morning I found him, from what I can tell, taking play cups from the bathtub, dipping them in the toilet, and then tossing toilet water in the bathtub. And, in the process, dripping toilet water all over the bathroom floor. His sister was not uninvolved.  So again, I made them clean it up. I sprayed cleaner while they used paper towels to mop it all up. And then I walked them downstairs to my husband's office, which is underneath their bathroom, where some of the ceiling is chipping off. Although this patch has existed since we moved into this house as a result of the neglect while it was foreclosed upon by the previous homeowners, I led them to believe that they were causing this damage slowly over time and that someday they may very well cause the toilet and/or bathtub to fall through the floor into their Daddy's office.

Not less than five new rules, two new speeches and one hour later, little guy is tearing off all the toilet paper on the roll and stuffing it into a canister next to the toilet in mommy's bathroom.



And why is this always toilet related? Jeez...The amount they talk about their poops, I could write a book...

And then there's how my husband reacted.

Let's just say, the scene could have been excerpted from The Sound of Music. Pretty sure he's already ordered me a whistle on amazon.

"The hills are alive..."

The twyns and myself, however....well...we'll see....


  1. "But mommy, I was being creative with the marker, the toilet paper, my poopies, etc!"

    1. I know - is this like, a little Basquiat in the making?? Exit through the gift shop?? Does he prefer alternative materials?? When do I start him with the blow torch and sculpting metals??

  2. No blow torch until his voice changes enough that when he calls 911 they don't assume it's a prank call.

  3. That energy needs to be released constructively up in the mountains!

  4. I think it's just the "joy" of 4 year olds. At least my two are not the only ones driving Mommy & Daddy bonkers. I try to remind myself that this is how they learn right from wrong and these will be great, amusing stories to look back on when they are older. But it doesn't help much in the moment. Sympathy and solidarity coming to you from Drexel Hill!

  5. We've been having some serious misbehavior episodes here, too. I was chalking it up to our recent move but maybe that's just the way four year olds are. Sigh. --Alaina

  6. Ahhh, this makes me remember the "Ketchup Incident". Not so different. While getting dressed to go out for dinner with gf's, N°1 son (approximately 4.5yrs) decides to "paint" the cream coloured sofa with ketchup. Sitter arrives, mommy discovered "artwork", nearly strangles son on the spot, makes him remove cover of sofa & cushions & put into wash, allowing time for him to withstand lengthy "discussion" about why this is NOT a good idea... Am still having lengthy discussions with same N°1 son, now that he's 13. Alot more fun, usually a battle of wits and he's definitely smarter than I am. lol

    1. Oh no! You mean by 13 there's MORE!!?? LOL.


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