Friday, December 14, 2012

What she really wants

I would like to talk to the husbands for a sec.

Bring 'em over.


Ok, fine, you can read first, then bring him over if you agree. [you will.]

Husbands: As you watch your wife bake 14 batches of cookies, wrap 462 presents, address 3,000 Christmas Cards, decorate the trees/house inside and outside, run to the store and absolutely not get in an accident with a parked car right outside your house on the way there, scramble to get you an appropriate gift for your mother, your work Secret Santa exchange,  your employees and especially, your precious children, remember what's the most important thing you can offer her: 

and not the twyn kind. 
 No,  what I mean to say is:
your time. 
doing something you hate. 

For instance: 
1. A real date : dinner and a show. You know, a real meal where they serve alcohol and a live presentation of how much men can learn from women singing at them [you know I love those.]

2. A series of manicures + babysitting during said manicures. Like, say, 5 Saturdays in a row. Buy the gift certificate [at the good place, mind you] AND put in a little note about how you will be wearing the children out by running laps with them in the park so that they are not up her newly polished a$$ the second she walks back in the house. We call this a WIN-WIN.

3. Likewise, a class of something she has been hinting about learning more about or mentioned she may be interested in taking. Again, offer the babysitting/child-training during said class. [Better yet- take over bedtime for these nights.] Have children sleeping and a glass of wine waiting for her when she comes home, and she may just have a present for you! [It's talking. A lot. About all the new crap she just learned.] [And you listen.] [See above 'doing something you hate' bit.]

4. A mini-vacay. If you can't afford a weekend away without the kids (and who can, or wants to deal with scheduling the setup/resulting mess of children after a weekend of being spoiled by the sitter), [she read how many books to you? Ridiculous. What will motivate you to learn to read for yourself?], put together a little 'mini-vacay' at home. Just for after bedtime. Just two hours. Just some crepe paper on the ceiling fan and an umbrella in the drink.  Play this song, throw some pineapple slices on a chicken breast, and wear a smile.

5. Meaningful jewelry. If you must get the bling, something in a little box... [and not this box], check out what's in her jewelry box now, and try to match something that's already there. Doesn't have to be pricey. I love vintage jewelry. Tell me that some awful man in the 1800's gave it to his mistress who then sold it to a young suffrageate who bought it as a righteous gift for herself and I'm in.

Were you picturing Pam and Eric from True Blood just now? 

Oh, just me? 

Well. No one said I had universal tastes. Good luck, dudes.

Actually all I want is for him to not mention the insurance deductible resulting from this little spazz attack (which was absolutely not a Mercedes) : 


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