Friday, December 21, 2012

My criminal record against Santa

December 22, 2011.
9:08 p.m.

Suspect is in interrogation. 

Officer in charge: 
"You don't even have a toy. You have an accessory. AN ACCESSORY. FOR MY SON. FOR CHRISTMAS!"

Exhibit A: total of suspect's possessions for boy :

Suspect is taken into custody and charged with intent to defame Santa's reputation and forced to serve time at Toys R Us in the midnight hour to rectify crime.

After serving half her sentence and being released early due to highly refined baking skills, suspect is given a warning for future Christmases and must report back to charging officer 30 days before Christmas 2012.

Friday, November 30, 2012. 
11:45 a.m.

Suspect calls parole officer from car on trip home from preschool.

Begin transcript of phone conversation:
"I have a serious problem. The G-R-E-E-N-C-A-R is in the driveway."  
"H-E saw the B-O-X but I don't think H-E saw the P-I-C-T-U-R-E on the B-O-X."
"H-E, or H-E-R? Why am I spelling."
 "No. H-E. Not H-E-R."
"Ok. That's good. She never forgets anything; but he can be distracted. Give him your phone. Let him play a game while you go. FIX. this. DON'T. F. WITH SANTA. AGAIN!!!" 
Suspect is instructed to retreat from driveway, park in neighbors' driveway and leave children while suspect hides aforementioned box in garage and proceeds to lock interior and exterior garage doors and lead children through back door of residence until box can be properly stowed in Santa's workshop.

Suspect is instructed to lie to children and inform that the garage [as a whole] is broken. Suspect is instructed to not show fear nor frazzle.

Continuing Transcript:
"When you said serious problem, I thought there was a serious problem."
"Sorry. I panicked."
Suspect has been spotted returning to the scene of the crime [Toys R Us at midnight] allegedly helping stock persons unload P-I-N-K-C-A-R-S off a truck.

Suspect is no longer considered an immediate threat to Santa Society.

But we will continue to keep you updated on this case.

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