Monday, December 17, 2012

Admittedly weird thoughts on Sandy Hook

My mind has been so avoiding the thoughts about Sandy Hook, that it has gone in weird directions. 

The recesses of my mind are still traumatized by our infertility and birth issues. 

I hope I don't offend. 

I have a sort of survivor's guilt half the time anyways, because I survived those issues and have two healthy children. 

You watch the news and hope it never happens to you. It's very selfish.

"There but for the grace of God..." 

Some couples or singles go through many years and many dollars without achieving the family of their dreams. 

And so of course my thoughts went to - what if - in those sweet Sandy Hook faces - was also the last frozen embryo of an infertile couple? The last hope of family gone - 
The fifth round of IVF and last home equity loan - 
The miracle baby between two miscarriages - 
The third attempt at private adoption -
The sixth year of trying before the doctors suggested stopping - 

Not that every single one of those sweet faces isn't equally precious - 
Not that any child could substitute for those sweet faces, if say, the family were to have another child-

But just - what if - on top of this horrible tragedy that has befallen your family - that much more intention and effort had surrounded the creation of that child.

Not that every child doesn't have a mountain of intention and effort surrounding its creation - 
Not that every child isn't irreplaceable - 

But just - what if - that was it.

This thought haunts me - on top of the rest of it.

Weird, I know. Sorry.

There are many funds being set up, but this one seemed most localized, but at the same time, wide-ranging:

Also, post-published, I discovered this story from my Moms of Multiples group. A twin sister has lost her brother, Noah Pozner. Another haunting dynamic. We will hopefully be helping this family plant a tree in Central Park in his memory through the club:


  1. Next time you want to be depressed and inspired, google Sophie North. Her mother died of cancer when she was a toddler, and she was killed in the Dunblane, Scotland shooting, but her father is still alive and has an an upbeat outloook on life*.

    *I consider anyone in his situation that isn't on a ledge planning to jump upbeat.

    1. Truly. You never know what people are dealing with, and how they handle it. Inspiring.

  2. I didn't have to go through that process but I get what you are saying. That's why we, as parents, cannot believe that our children are ours. We may have fought in one way or another to bring them to life, to our family, but their destiny is not ours to dictate nor pin our hopes on. Our journey includes them, but is not them. I am struggling with my feelings about Sandy Hook, the fear and sadness hits me in waves too, I think you said that on my blog. I hold on to these thoughts as I let go of my kids and take them to their own school, to lead their own lives, where I can't protect them. I just can't imagine my life without them though I know very well they are not mine to keep.

    1. So true! That's the best parenting - to know their lives aren't yours to live. But it's SOOOOOO hard to keep in mind.

  3. As a fellow MOM & infertility survivor (only because we finally got them) I completely understand and also thought every one of these. I don't think its weird because I will add:
    Another reason to split up your multiples in school?
    OMG how does that mother EXPLAIN to the surviving twin? How does she help her daughter fill that HUGE void left by the death of her womb-mate?

    As a mother I pray for all of them. As a mother of twins I can't help but pray a bit more for the Pozner family.


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