Sunday, September 9, 2012

Milk Wars : The Empire Strikes Back


The Rebel Alliance is too well equipped! They're more dangerous than you realize.*

Many of you around town have asked me in person how the "milk revolution" is shaking down [no pun intended.] And for those of you not about town, or in the know, YES, this mommy business is serious sh** and you can just wait around on your fat arses for some more ghost stories and training plans. The grown-ups are talking. Shush.

I've tried a lot more tricks to get these buggers to drink their milk.
Syrup: nope
Teaching them the art of milk mustache-ing: Forget it.
Magic straws: eh-uh
Milk SHAKE with ICE CREAM. HOME MADE. WITH THEIR OWN HANDS and PROPORTIONS: NO! NO! NO!
Ordering it as "monkey juice" at the Diner whilst idiotically pointing to the words "chocolate milk" on the menu for the server [Cringe]: No dice.

What is a bone-loving mommy to do?
[get your mind out of the gutter, you know what I mean.] 

Yogurt. Cheese sticks. Go-gurts. Cheese whiz. What else has dairy in it? Eggs? Effin' f. All of these snacks have 10% of daily calcium, whereas milk has...oh... 30%. 3 glasses of milk=10 cheese sticks. Hm. Gotta think on that one. Not quite adding up well. Pretty sure I would barf and never poop again if I ate 10 cheese sticks in a day. Although I could probably eat the equivalent amount of goat-cheese in one sitting, but that's another story for another day... 

My son was really taking a shine to the "Danimal" smoothies. After watching him down 6 in a day, I brilliantly set aside the empty cups and attempted to refill them with a similar smoothie concoction made from plain yogurt, milk, and Nestle Quik Strawberry Syrup. I even saved a perfectly in-tact foil round top and 'removed' it in front of him before offering him the imposter homemade version. 
His response: "Mommy, this one is gross."
I give up for a minute and head to the grocery store with my son in tow for some more "Sponge Bob Yogurts" [as in, how-the-F-do-you-know-who-Sponge-Bob-is-when-we-don't-ever-watch-it-but-whatever-it-takes-to-shove-this-calcium-in-your-mouth-yogurts.] The boy sees some cookies on display, and, as they are directly within his line of sight and arms' reach, grabs them. Now, usually I'm a complete sucker, but lately I've felt so bad about this milk situation that I'm ready to go vegan commune on these jokers. I grab the box from him and immediately turn to the label. 

Enter choir.


"Nutrition Rich Cookies"
"As much Fiber as a bowl of oatmeal"
"As much Vitamin C as a cup of blueberries"

"As much Calcium & Vitamin D as an 8 oz glass of milk"


The list goes on. But I stop right there. What. could. it. hurt? They look exactly like Oreos, the kid can't read yet so he has no idea what's going on, and blammo, we have calcium. I read that a serving is actually 3 cookies. I'm so smart, I'm going to tell him he can only have 2, and then "give in" on the third. I taste them. Good. I'll act as if this is a special treat, and he is lucky to have them. The girl, too.

THIS PLAN. HAS. BEEN. WORKING!!

Everyday they ask if it is "time" yet for their cookies. I usually make them wait until after dinner. I mean what is really different between this and taking a multi-vitamin with calcium and adding more sugar to it? I don't know, but let's try.

*yes i am also a sci-fi freak, so I quote from Star Wars.

1 comment:

  1. Oh, yes, I have tried the trick of mixing drinks and carefully putting them back in the container - no go in our house too...they're onto us!!

    I bought the Who - Nus. Kids think they are okay, package is almost gone...lets just say this mommy is going to have some strong bones:P

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