But as I was going through my posts, I noticed...I've got 37 of 60 unpublished drafts. I have the app on my phone so as soon as a thought pops in my head, I jot it down. But even for my unfocused mind, that seems like a lot. That's more drafts, than published material [thank you, math genius.]
What if we stop. editing. ourselves? What is so wrong with those drafts? Not cool enough? Too personal? Lacking focus? Trying too hard?
There are so many things we are meaning, behind what we are saying or doing.
There is a way to "re-edit" our true meaning down to it's basest feeling, and freeing ourselves from the binds of what we first call it.
"I want to do an Ironman."
"I want to challenge myself with something big"
"I want to be a part of something that is bigger than myself"
"I want to be a part of something."Well, there are a LOT of those things. Those things that are bigger than myself. Raising my kids, church, an arts organization, a charity drive...what I really want, is to belong. To have a community. To have a role. To have a purpose. These are certainly all things I have struggled with since I became a stay-at-home-mom. It's a mind f**k. I don't have to do an Ironman to prove I have a place in this world, or that I'm 'winning' at something. I succeed in producing happy children, in managing the banalities of our daily life, in placing a stamp on the envelope and getting it to the mailbox on time, in remembering the names of our new preschool teachers [which, for the life of me, I don't know, of course.] Ironman, or Domestic Goddess? Same endurance level, less bling. Let's face it, all of us endure 17 hour days that feel like we swam a river, biked 112 miles, and ran a marathon, all in one day. Do I need the title? Maybe I need the title. Would I want to complete the race if I couldn't brag about it?
"I want to perform."
"I want attention from people."
"I want to create something beautiful."
"brings about change/emotion in someone."
"I want to affect someone."
"I want to connect with someone."
"I want someone/people."I told my husband when we left NYC, that he had to give me the equivalent of the attention of 500 audience members that I would be missing. He agreed. I think he has. I now see performing as a way to date my creative self, and she meets me in many different activities these days. I don't have to get on stage to see her. And I don't need to marry her, either.
In those beginning days of my relationship with my husband I used to try and employ this reduction technique often. I'm sure I did not invent this; in fact my mother is in the therapeutic arts so I'm quite certain she conditioned me in this way of thinking [thanks mom.] The Hubby found it... quite annoying. I was always trying to get at the heart of what he wanted.
"I want you to stop hanging out with that person," he'd say.
"I want you to stop hanging out"
"I want you to just be with me."
MEOW. Let's talk about THAT instead of my stupid alcoholic clubbing friend.Did this get you thinking? Are you onto that nagging feeling now? Look at what you're doing. Are you doing it, because you really want something else? Of course, we all want to make money...that's easy...that's different...so we 'work'...but even at work, why are you really calling that meeting? Why are you really coming in late? Why are you avoiding that person/topic/project? Why do you want them to admit they're wrong? Why you do want to be right? Why do you...?
Stop making it a pre-packaged label.
"I'm an attachment parent."
"I'm not a creative person."
"I'm too busy."
You really mean to say something else.
What is your actual desire?
Stop editing it.
[At the very least, to yourself.]