Saturday, August 25, 2012

Swimmers

I'm not going to use the real name, but I came across a blog through a friend's pin on Pinterest and as is the point of all these social networking sites, I started meandering. The blog's title intrigued me because it was named something to the effect of "the art of getting pregnant and other battles..." so I'm thinking, clearly this is a woman who struggled with infertility like myself, and has come to the other side with a positive outlook, also like myself. Everyone loves a happy ending, right?

I quickly look for the "about us" section of the blog and read the bio. No mention of struggle...
She points in her bio to her "TTC" section for tips and story. Aha. Hear we go. She's got the lingo down, what other acronyms define her Trying To Conceive journey?

No. She was so neurotic that she underwent fertility testing for herself and her husband before they actually started trying, and was pleasantly surprised to announce they were mega-fertile and thus conceived on their first try! She made sure to post the healthy parameters that we, as the readers, must be curious to know, and how far above those limits she and her husband surpassed in their ultra-fertile-ness.

I was soooo close to posting her or emailing her that the name of her blog alone, was offensive to me. I don't know how she can be a member of an online community about babies and mommies and not understand that the point of her blog is nowhere near the intersection of battle and pregnancy. But that is not the point of our online world. Everyone has their struggles, and they are all relative. I'm not one to engage in mommy wars, as I've mentioned before. I was in NYC on 9/11 and experienced the silent subway. Eerily no one spoke at all for weeks because your story, your words, were likely meaningless next to another's. I never assume I know more, or know more pain, than you.

I think the reason it pissed me off the most is because it got a rise out of me at all. Haven't I moved past all that? Aren't I a happy mommy now, lucky with my healthy family, feeling picture perfect with our cute little monkeys? Weren't we just talking about how amazing life is and how the fun is just beginning? Yessss... 

But something left me when I struggled with infertility, and I'll never get it back. My innocence. I was no longer the designer of my own life; I was no longer able to power through, force it, or charm that one thing into my life. No one could help me. To cap off that powerlessness, my twins were born at 29 weeks and spent two months in the NICU. I didn't know if I would ever get over the feeling that I had done something incredibly wrong and that maybe I was not supposed to have tried to have children this way.

Slowly over that first year of my babies' lives, I learned what an enormous gift I had been given. I was allowed to have what I always wanted, but I was not allowed to control it. 


Oh I can swim in the water, but not against the tide. 

And I'm sure that other bloggy mommy is learning that, too. So I don't need to tell her.

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